Gee, it’s a little uncomfortable up here - I haven’t been up here for a while.  It was only one step up so not really that far, but, okay, here I am - back up on my soapbox.  I don’t get to rant much.  Don’t have to, really, as I’m generally a pretty happy guy.  I live a wonderful life in a great part of the world, I am married to a terrific, loving woman, I bike through splendid mountains and blue skies pretty much year round.  But there is something that absolutely gets my goat about five times every day (aside from the lousy drivers in SoCal, which is more like 100X/day) that could be so easily fixed.

Cue the harps, please, as we flash back to the days of yesteryear when hardly anyone had an answering machine (voicemail - what’s that?) and even fewer actually knew what to do when they heard the beep that meant they’d been ignored, screened or otherwise abandoned into the ether.  Back then, it was appropriate to have an outgoing message on your machine that offered a little guidance, that reminded people to leave a detailed message, to speak clearly and loudly, to begin at the tone, to leave their name and number, etc.  Not so much anymore.

Today I would bet the mortgage that whether it is a sherpa guiding someone up the north face of K2 and ordering a pizza, a village elder in East Awfulgosh checking the commodity price for opal beads or an alien trying to make a close encounter from Planet Zygazint on iPhone that each of them will know what to do when they hear the beep.

So, for Pete’s sake, can we all please just GET ALONG?  I mean, do we really need these incredibly lame messages telling me to speak at the tone, to leave my number (even if I think you have it), to say who I am or to do some other ridiculous exercise taking up my airtime?  Sure, it’s only a few moments, but it’s irritating.  And yes, I know - and have even blogged about - how to press the right button on the phone to cut past someone’s outgoing message, but SHOULD I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS??

Folks, I’m presuming you’re all pretty smart.  So I’m going to make some recommendations here in good faith and assume that you’ll take them at face value and not be offended.  If you are creating your outgoing message please - I’m begging you here, people - please keep it SHORT.  Mine says, “You’ve reached voicemail for Scott Goldman.”  Does it really have to be anything more than that?  Here are my recommendations for the announcement on your voicemail:

1. Brevity rules.  FDR was asked his rules for giving great speeches and answered, “Be prepared.  Be brief.  Be seated.”  I love that. If your message takes longer to listen to than mine does to leave, something’s wrong.
2. YOU speak clearly, please.  I swear there are a couple of people I call whose messages are barely discernible - try to remember that someone calling you may not be in a library or soundproof booth.
3. Do not ask me to leave my name and number.  Unless you are expecting a call from Mars on the off chance that you’ve won the Moons of Serenity lotto and someone there may not know what to do when they hear the beep, everyone else will, I swear, leave a message.
4. Dig into your voicemail admin options and delete that stupid, useless “page” option.  You know it better by the robo-voice saying, “If you’d like to leave a numeric page press 5.”  Say what?  A numeric page?  Who the heck needs that?  My number is going to appear in the Missed Call list or, if your phone was off, I’ll actually tell you what I want in a message.

Now, on the other end, for those of us who are actually leaving the messages, here’s a little help for our friends: